Beauty is as beauty does...

I know that I'm a beautiful person, but I don't always feel that way physically. I've been chubby since third grade, and since then I have always thought that boys won't like me because I'm not skinny. I do realise that any guy that is not interested in me for that one reason is not the kind of guy that I want to be with, but it's still not a great thing for my self-esteem. I really love the person that I am inside, but it's harder for me to have the same kind of love for what I am on the outside. I know that God made me in his image and without mistakes, so that hurts me even more to feel like I'm not good enough because of my size. I'm just glad I have friends who are always supportive and encouraging.

Ratta Tat Tat

Okay, big decision approaching in the coming months. It involves a LOT of planning, prepping and praying. It's bound to be a trying time with some fairly anxious moments, knowing how I tend to respond to these sort of things. I like knowing that I can plan things out and take things at my own pace when I need to. Ultimately, I'm in for quite an experience. I'm expecting fear, pain, joy, laughter, tears, smiles, love and most of all peace when it's all said and done. More on this to come...

Wedding bells will ring

Another one of my best friends got engaged! Last weekend, my dear friend Nyssa was proposed to in St. Louis over her Spring Break, and I'm super happy for her and her new fiance, who've been together for over a year. I still long to be in a place in my life where I'm the one getting married, but I'm to the point where I am just so happy for my friend and so excited for the shopping, planning and partying, that I'm okay being single in the midst of it all.

with Nyssa at the Coldplay concert, Summer 2009

Change of Heart

I have somehow been incredibly busy the last couple weeks and haven't made time to write. My bad. I'm trying to make a change in some habits of mine that have seemed to spiral out of control in the last four or five months, especially. Mainly, I'm trying to treat myself like I'm worth being loved. I've been treating myself like I'm only worth settling for what isn't good enough for me. I deserve to be loved, and just because I don't have a relationship as a part of my life right now, doesn't mean that I don't deserve one. Of course all of this is easier said than done, but I'm focusing on trying to put myself in positive situations and hold myself and others accountable to treating me the way I deserve to be treated. The balance of holding out for the best and not being closed off to opportunities I may ordinarily ignore is the hard part, but I'm trying to put myself first so that I can keep myself first. I know that I generally put others before myself in relationships, so it really is important to remember that I am valuable and shouldn't be treated otherwise. It may be difficult to say no to the allure of instant gratification, but I just have to keep reassuring myself that it's worth it.

Without a dope beat to step to, step to

Yeah, I know, it's been a long time. Aaaand a lot has changed. Such is the way of life, though, right?! It's been nearly a year and a half since I had a real update here, and I have gone through a ridiculous amount of change between now and then.
So let's start with the things that haven't changed. I still live at home. I still have a job. I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. I still have the same car, and I'm still single and poor.
Now for things that have changed. I have a different job as a middle school teacher's assistant in the public school system here in Fort Wayne. I've thought about becoming a teacher, but now I'm really not so sure that I have the passion for it, so I'm thinking counseling is back at the top of my list of future career goals. Albert Timothy has gone through some tough times but has taken me amazing places including Pittsburgh and Baltimore for my fall break, and Kentucky and Chicago for amazing visits with Jenny. I have gone out with a bunch of potentially great guys that just don't seem to work out.
There are many other things that have changed in my life, but they seem so deep that they can't be lumped together in a "life sure is changing" post. I've been thinking about what I should give up for Lent this year, and while I haven't decided what that will be, I have decided that I'm going to attempt to write more. I used to update nearly daily, and I felt like I had a better hold on my life. Although that may very well have been due to that phase of my life, I think writing has generally helped ground me and keep me collected when dealing with the stress that's out in the open as well as the stress that sneaks up on me unawares. So that's what I'm trying to do this Lenten season.

Another Look Into the Archives

Just another look back at some of my writings from college. It's funny how things in my life are still happening in a similar sort of pattern as they were over five years ago. I feel like a huge transformation started when I started college, and I've had a hard time making the transformation into adulthood post-college. Maybe I have already started the transformation, and I am just in the midst of the change that I can't see the change as it's happening.


Thursday, October 20, 2005

When I walk around on campus at Manchester, all I can do is smile. Even when it's nine in the morning and I am so tired that my eyes are barely open. I pass someone that I know or even someone I've only just seen before, and I can't help but smile. It seems that college has awakened me, and awakened the joy within my soul. But I'm not gonna lie, college has also brought me a great deal of pain...God really has brought me to a place where there are people that are loving and supporting me through the pain and joy of change. So many things are shaping my life and who I am. I don't see all of them as particularly good, but they are definitely not all bad. The things in life that shape who you are going to be are the things that you should pay the most attention to. In the midst of all this change, I'm trying to find who I am and who I want to be.

And the Beat Goes On

Just a snippet of an entry from one of my journals written after my sophomore year at Manchester.

"My undergraduate career is almost half over, and the person that I am now is far from the young lady I was the summer of 2005, and I'm sure that the woman I will become in another two years will be even more different. There's no way that I will be able to predict the woman that I will be when the summer of 2009 rolls around, but I'm sure that it will be full of many more amazing and not so amazing things."

On a night hike at camp the summer after my sophomore year.

I really am so different from the person I was when I graduated from college, but I am still so much the same.
I want the same things that I wanted then. I want to find love; I relish all the time I have with friends; I spend my time trying to share love with people who need to be feeling more love in their lives; I question my future and always want to know more about what's in store for me; I seek to understand before being understood; I find joy in music and fellowship; I find comfort in processing my thoughts and feelings through writing; I think a lot.
I am not in the place that I thought I would be right now, but I am content in where life has chosen to lead me. I have more than I need, but don't have all I desire which keeps me doing my best to find something better.