Change of Heart

I have somehow been incredibly busy the last couple weeks and haven't made time to write. My bad. I'm trying to make a change in some habits of mine that have seemed to spiral out of control in the last four or five months, especially. Mainly, I'm trying to treat myself like I'm worth being loved. I've been treating myself like I'm only worth settling for what isn't good enough for me. I deserve to be loved, and just because I don't have a relationship as a part of my life right now, doesn't mean that I don't deserve one. Of course all of this is easier said than done, but I'm focusing on trying to put myself in positive situations and hold myself and others accountable to treating me the way I deserve to be treated. The balance of holding out for the best and not being closed off to opportunities I may ordinarily ignore is the hard part, but I'm trying to put myself first so that I can keep myself first. I know that I generally put others before myself in relationships, so it really is important to remember that I am valuable and shouldn't be treated otherwise. It may be difficult to say no to the allure of instant gratification, but I just have to keep reassuring myself that it's worth it.

Without a dope beat to step to, step to

Yeah, I know, it's been a long time. Aaaand a lot has changed. Such is the way of life, though, right?! It's been nearly a year and a half since I had a real update here, and I have gone through a ridiculous amount of change between now and then.
So let's start with the things that haven't changed. I still live at home. I still have a job. I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. I still have the same car, and I'm still single and poor.
Now for things that have changed. I have a different job as a middle school teacher's assistant in the public school system here in Fort Wayne. I've thought about becoming a teacher, but now I'm really not so sure that I have the passion for it, so I'm thinking counseling is back at the top of my list of future career goals. Albert Timothy has gone through some tough times but has taken me amazing places including Pittsburgh and Baltimore for my fall break, and Kentucky and Chicago for amazing visits with Jenny. I have gone out with a bunch of potentially great guys that just don't seem to work out.
There are many other things that have changed in my life, but they seem so deep that they can't be lumped together in a "life sure is changing" post. I've been thinking about what I should give up for Lent this year, and while I haven't decided what that will be, I have decided that I'm going to attempt to write more. I used to update nearly daily, and I felt like I had a better hold on my life. Although that may very well have been due to that phase of my life, I think writing has generally helped ground me and keep me collected when dealing with the stress that's out in the open as well as the stress that sneaks up on me unawares. So that's what I'm trying to do this Lenten season.

Another Look Into the Archives

Just another look back at some of my writings from college. It's funny how things in my life are still happening in a similar sort of pattern as they were over five years ago. I feel like a huge transformation started when I started college, and I've had a hard time making the transformation into adulthood post-college. Maybe I have already started the transformation, and I am just in the midst of the change that I can't see the change as it's happening.


Thursday, October 20, 2005

When I walk around on campus at Manchester, all I can do is smile. Even when it's nine in the morning and I am so tired that my eyes are barely open. I pass someone that I know or even someone I've only just seen before, and I can't help but smile. It seems that college has awakened me, and awakened the joy within my soul. But I'm not gonna lie, college has also brought me a great deal of pain...God really has brought me to a place where there are people that are loving and supporting me through the pain and joy of change. So many things are shaping my life and who I am. I don't see all of them as particularly good, but they are definitely not all bad. The things in life that shape who you are going to be are the things that you should pay the most attention to. In the midst of all this change, I'm trying to find who I am and who I want to be.

And the Beat Goes On

Just a snippet of an entry from one of my journals written after my sophomore year at Manchester.

"My undergraduate career is almost half over, and the person that I am now is far from the young lady I was the summer of 2005, and I'm sure that the woman I will become in another two years will be even more different. There's no way that I will be able to predict the woman that I will be when the summer of 2009 rolls around, but I'm sure that it will be full of many more amazing and not so amazing things."

On a night hike at camp the summer after my sophomore year.

I really am so different from the person I was when I graduated from college, but I am still so much the same.
I want the same things that I wanted then. I want to find love; I relish all the time I have with friends; I spend my time trying to share love with people who need to be feeling more love in their lives; I question my future and always want to know more about what's in store for me; I seek to understand before being understood; I find joy in music and fellowship; I find comfort in processing my thoughts and feelings through writing; I think a lot.
I am not in the place that I thought I would be right now, but I am content in where life has chosen to lead me. I have more than I need, but don't have all I desire which keeps me doing my best to find something better.

Friday the Thirteenth

So it's been a while since I've taken the time to write. Mostly because I've been working and looking for a different job. There seems to be nothing and yet so much going on in my life all at the same time. The drama of life doesn't seem to be life changing or anything right now, but there's enough going on that is keeping me thinking and wondering "What if?" I feel like I'm back in college with the choices that I'm being faced with, and yet, my life seems so stagnant and unmoving. I'm still wanting those written directions on what I'm supposed to do with my life, but I don't think that kind of thing just shows up in the mail. So for now I'm trying things I might not normally try, but I'm being wary of guarding my heart and my future.

Work hard, Play hard

I've found myself trying to do a lot of planning for the days that I have off work. I want to get the most out of the time I have to myself, especially now that the time is winding down where my best friends will be close enough to visit in an hour's drive. Having two days off in a row is definitely helpful, but often I find that the time is just not enough. I want to have time to have fun with my friends but I also need time to recuperate from working hard and playing hard.

Jiminy Cricket

I know that it really is a good thing to have a conscience and all, but sometimes it seems a little harsh. I mean, I know the difference between right and wrong, but why does my body go all crazy on me when I chose to do something wrong? Does this happen to everyone, or just me?